i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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