You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
