This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Are we still banned from the library?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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