Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I cockslap morals
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
