alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
