theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
