he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
