you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
