I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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