How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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