i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
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