I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
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