dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
