Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
hell yes lets make some ravioli
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
