I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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