and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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