ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
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