I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Randomize
