I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
