Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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