I faked an abortion last night.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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