You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
