Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
My liver just had a heart attack.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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