You made me cry and you don't even care
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
