Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize