just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Randomize
