Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Randomize
