omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
