i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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