Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Someone came in the potted fern
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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