we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
