You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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