I hate your face
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Randomize
