Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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