I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
can u get pink eye on your cock?
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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