woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
We need to get me chipped asap
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
