when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
