ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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