I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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