Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
