I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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