you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
