Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
i love accidental penises.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Randomize
