There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
