My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
