probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
