I was born with a shot glass in my hand
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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