If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
