I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
