I cannot find my penis.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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