I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
