I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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