When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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