so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Randomize
