I think I won the penis lottery.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
