How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize