I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize