I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
