I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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