There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize