ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
