You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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